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2020: The Setup

(CW: 2020, weight loss, fatphobia, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, intrusive thoughts) This is a very personal type of post, mostly Me reflecting on stuff so there are mentions of My various experiences. I'm teared up after writing it and seeing how far I've come, hope you enjoy it too.

So we all know 2020 sucked, there is no real doubt about it. Global issues, national issues, just general pandemic bullshit, it had it all. In a personal sense though, 2020 was pretty good for Me. I thought 2019 was the year of change for Me, but I think it was really 2020. So many changes that add up to My blossoming. I'm in the cocoon slowly waiting for the right conditions to emerge as divine as I can be. This year has just been the gradual setup for what I can be, what I can do.

I started out the year healing and recovering from My lasik procedure, literally starting the year with a fresh pair of eyes. I continued to organize My office and My art supplies, as everything didn't quite have its place yet. Of course, lockdown happened early on, but truthfully I'm someone who stays home most of the time and doesn't go out often so it didn't affect Me mentally as I know it did for so many others. My pestering for expanding My bathroom finally began and work on it finally began sometime around June, and I had to stay in our quest room for 5 months.

I got tired of just waiting for things to happen so I decided to start transforming My designated studio space in the basement, despite it still having carpet. It felt good to finally start putting things the way I wanted them to be. Taking out things that had been sitting for so long and putting them in a workspace I could actually use and be inspired by. Buying and putting together the furniture and tools I could see Myself using. Having that chance to look at the supplies I have, the books I have, to be inspired all over again by the possibility of all the things I can create.

As I lost more weight and My clothes fit too big, I resolved that I didn't care what the fashion industry said about My weight, I was going to fix/alter/make whatever I wanted. I would make anything work on My body the way I wanted to, instead of settling for anything less. I could size down or size up My own clothes, I could take things I didn't wear and change them so I was excited to wear them, I could thrift for cute clothes and change them however I wanted to. Allowing Myself the freedom to do whatever I want and to express Myself how I want and be as comfortable as I want was so liberating. Less afraid of change. It's ok if I get a garment that doesn't fit Me, it's ok if My body changes, I can make it into whatever I want. I don't have to keep "waiting" for things to happen, I can make them happen.

I looked into the procedure I wanted to do to remove some of the excess skin from My stomach and lift up My breasts since I continued to lose weight and the change was noticeable. In My head, I fought with Myself. Sexist, fatphobic, shaming parts of My mind kept telling Me that I wouldn't be naturally beautiful anymore, that I would be fake and plastic, that people would see My weight loss as a result of surgery and discredit My progress, that I wouldn't be considered plus-size anymore and all those years of working on My self worth and confidence would be for nothing. That I was somehow invalidating everything I had experienced because surgery was a cop-out. It was cheating. That I just had to live with however I ended up looking, because anything else would be fake.

But that's so fucking stupid.

All of those thoughts were ridiculous and I knew it. I know it. They are intrusive thoughts that My anxiety pop into My mind, and they don't represent any sort of truth. How would these types of procedures be any different from the lasik I just got? Wasn't that changing a big characteristic I had for most of My life? People get braces and other procedures to fix their teeth, how was that any different? We live in a time where we can get so many procedures done, both medically and cosmetically, why shouldn't we do whatever we want for our health and happiness? The idea of being "pure" and "all-natural" is stupid anyway. My hair is half blue, My eyes can actually see, I had two cysts removed from My ovaries, does that suddenly make Me fake and not natural? The line is made up. It is used by people who shame women for doing anything with their own bodies and are happy with themselves. Why should I worry about that?

All that matters is what I want.

All that matters is how I feel.

No one is telling Me how to be. I'm not doing any of these things to reach a conventional aesthetic, or to look like a model or a celebrity. I know how I see Myself in My mind, I know how I feel most comfortable aesthetically and physically. I'm not getting rid of My flaws, I will still have them regardless. I am changing how I want to change, turning into who I want to be, showing who I am. Now, why would that be fake?

I did not get lasik because an abusive ex hated My glasses, I got it because it had always been an eventual goal of Mine and I wanted to be able to see clearly and easily.

I did not lose weight because of the fatphobic pressure to not be overweight and people's false intentions for you to be "healthy" and not "promote obesity". I didn't go on some diet or start hitting the gym, I just dealt with My mental health. I lose weight because it was a byproduct of Me focusing on Myself and not putting up with things that made Me unhappy. Taking My meds, not beating Myself up about food I did or didn't eat, activities I did or didn't do, none of it.

All that matters is Me. All of this change is because of Me

Recently My bathroom was finally finished and I was able to go back into My room instead of being in the guest room. I've been organizing My things. Cleaning up My space from the dust of 5 months and construction. Putting things where I want them to be. Seeing My spaces come together in a way that works for Me. I'm not even totally finished and the excitement I feel is unreal.

I want to make things. I want to design pieces that express My different interests. I want to make videos, record things, stream more. I want to do My nails more often, take long lavish baths more often, play with makeup more often. Take more pictures, do whatever strikes Me in the moment instead of trying to put Myself on some schedule.

I'm honestly just happy to be alive.

Which, looking back on even just over a year ago, when I was at My lowest in college. Anxiety so bad I had developed agoraphobia and had panic attacks just trying to leave My apartment. Trash around My room because My depression was overwhelming. Takeout and binging and overeating because I couldn't control it, I felt like I had to take advantage of every opportunity to eat without being judged while away from home. Not listening to My body, ending up feeling nauseous and sick and tired and just.... awful. Not wanting to do anything. Sometimes not wanting to be alive. Never thinking of doing it just, being tired of existing. Comparing that to now is such a contrast. Saying "fuck you" to expectations and life plans I didn't actually want, just felt obliged to do because others said so, was one of the best things I did.

I don't care how others view My life, My path, My journey. I don't care if the little things I do seem unnecessary or not normal or impractical or unconventional to other people, to family and friends. If doing all these little things help Me cope and live the way I want to and that isn't hurting Me mentally or physically, why should it matter?

That's why 2020 feels like the setup year for Me. My cocoon. It feels like things are lining up for Me to bloom in so many different ways. There are still things to be done, and things will still change. But I feel so ready, so excited, so happy, for My future. Sometimes I feel like I'm running out of time. That's not true, My time is just beginning. I don't care if I have some big legacy or an impact outside of a small circle in My life. My existence is not defined by My end, it's defined by My experience. How I choose to be.

I'm so excited to see what I can do, who I can be, in the future. And the future begins now.

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