(CW: I go through My various experiences before, during, and after. Warning if any surgery/medical stuff makes you squeamish. There are a few pics included, not graphic, but still there.)
If you've read some of My previous posts, you might know I had been thinking about having some cosmetic procedures done following My weight loss of almost 100 lbs. About some of My own mental concerns with it and battling with Myself on if it would be a good idea and how it would affect My sense of identity, similar thoughts I had before I got My Lasik procedure done.
Well, I did it. I had gone for consultation sometime in December, but we didn't get a set date for the procedure. I came into the new year still not knowing when it would happen, as they seemed to be very busy and it might be months before I was able to get a spot. I was in this limbo of waiting that was exhausting, not knowing when it would be. Wanting to fix My clothes and skirts only once, and debating if I would just have to resign Myself to doing it twice if the surgery was to happen later in the year.
Thankfully though, we got lucky. We were contacted and told that there was a cancellation and they could do it as early as Feb 5th, less than two weeks from that point. Within a day or two, we confirmed the date, paid the price, and had pre-op, day of surgery, and post-op dates set.
Honestly, I was a little shaken. I expected to be in anticipation for maybe a month or so. Having the date suddenly be much earlier than I expected made it feel like it was happening very fast. I didn't mind though, I wanted to get it over with after all. Anytime I had doubts I reminded Myself that I did want this, that I had worked towards this, and put so much effort into getting to where I wanted to be.
The week of the procedure, it was like I couldn't do anything. I wanted to record some content that I could edit later, didn't do it. I wanted to work on some creative stuff, couldn't do it. Just the last bit of waiting and thinking until the big day.
I should probably mention what it was I was getting done, shouldn't I? I'm not required to of course, but I want those who are curious to know for the sake of transparency and also simply to share this experience. Since I had lost almost 100 lbs (95-ish to be more exact) of course My body had changed. I had quite a bit of loose skin and My breasts were not as full due to such weight loss. So I had an abdominoplasty (with a little lipo I believe), a breast reduction/lift, and a little lipo under the chin, as well as some scar revision for some bumps on My side that bothered Me.
What made Me most anxious wasn't really the surgery itself, or even the recovery. Like My glasses, My breasts had been a big part of My identity for as long as I've had them. I wasn't getting rid of them, but they were inevitably going to be a bit smaller simply due to the nature of the procedure.
My stomach has gone through many different sizes growing up, so I could more easily picture how it would look post-surgery, but I have never seen My breasts the way they might after surgery. I had no way to mentally picture how it would look, so I had no way to prepare. That added a bit to My anxiety. I still wanted them to be on the bigger side because I like the figure that gives Me. I just had to hope for the best. I wasn't worried about scars though, as long as they weren't too textured. Having ADHD, texture differences like that can drive Me nuts.
The day of surgery: Feb 5, 2021
They told us to arrive by 6am, so I had to wake up at 5am. Well I didn't really wake up, I didn't go to sleep. I have days where I go to sleep at 5-6am, so I figured it would be easier for Me to just wait out the time and stay awake. They were technically going to put Me to sleep for the procedure anyway, so I didn't particularly need to rest.
I know some people are curious as to how I did the procedure with COVID still around. In My preop appointment, a few days before the surgery, they had Me take a COVID test and if I tested negative the surgery would continue as planned. Even with that, My mother wasn't allowed to go into the building with Me, or even afterward. I was wheeled out to the car in a wheelchair instead.
Even while I was being prepared for anesthesia, they had Me wear My mask. I remember having something put into the top of both My hands, which did make Me feel very hot and unpleasant so I closed My eyes and focused on My breathing instead. At some point, the doctor came in, had Me stand up to draw on Me, then I was ready. By then I was trying not to think of anything, and I was already exhausted from doing an allnighter, so I don't even remember when they put Me to sleep.
Next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room, all bandaged up. I was still very groggy and sleepy from both anesthesia and painkillers. As I waited for My mom to arrive so they could wheel Me out, the nurses started taking stuff out of Me. They helped Me to the bathroom, redid some bandages, had Me eat some crackers and drink water, and helped Me put on My clothes. They tried explaining some of the aftercare stuff to Me but obviously, I was pretty out of it. They told Me I wasn't allowed to use My arms to get Myself up, and that I couldn't lift My arms above My head. Once they had taken Me to My mom's car, they explained a bunch of the same to her, showed her how to help Me up, all the pills and procedures and whatnot.
My abdomen was completely numbed and would be for 4 days, so I didn't feel much there. I could feel some swelling and pain under My chin, and a bit of pain from My breasts. I was taken home, was able to actually eat food, take My pile of pills and took many naps. I had a few family members call or text Me to see how I was doing, which was also very sweet.
Post Op
I'm writing this only two days after surgery so not much has changed. The pain overall is manageable and is slightly getting to that point where it itches. My abdomen and under My chin are still quite swollen, but it's going down slowly. It's been very bizarre looking at My chest. At first glance, it's clear they are much different. I was told they took two pounds from each breast and 6 from My abdomen, making 10 overall. Hey, I guess I made My 100lbs goal after all.
It's hard to tell what size My breasts are, as they are still both swollen and also bandaged and bound tight. While changing the bandages I got a little peek. It's very janky. Not in the sense that they were messed up, but obviously still recovering and healing from the body trauma that happens during surgery. I've been carefully and gently pressing on various areas that are swollen, and I've managed to get out of bed on My own.
I've been really pleased with how everyone, both online and irl, has been with all this. Super supportive, reassuring, telling Me I'm going to look beautiful (not that I didn't before, mind you), and that I'm doing really well. So thank you <3
I will probably add on to this post when more time has passed and share how things feel and what has changed. Until then, I'm in good hands, I'm resting a lot and doing really well. I'm excited to bloom more and more.
Update 1: Feb 14, 2021 (9 days post op) Valentines!
Alright, so it's a bit over a week from the surgery so it's a decent time to add to this post! My post-op was two days ago, and I was able to get one of My drains removed since it wasn't draining much anyway. The other one is going to take a bit longer. They checked all My incisions and everything looks good. I've been healing well and there's just a few little spots that need to seal completely.
That was the good stuff, but I won't lie I had some trouble over the past week both mentally and physically. Pain is pretty tolerable for Me, especially since I was on some strong pain meds. The discomfort came and went. There were times that My anxiety and frustration would rise up. Since I was only a few days out of surgery and everything was still healing, swollen, and sore, of course, things looked a bit lumpy and bruised as fuck. It's jarring to see yourself like that. It's hard to picture how the end result will be when all you see at the moment is a purple, yellow, bloody mess.
As I've healed a bit more and some of that initial shock has passed, I feel better about it. However, there's always that little bit that is anxious if I did what was right for Me and if it will end up the way I want it to. I imagine this won't quite go away until this is fully over.
Now, a few days ago I did have a bit of a breakdown. As I mentioned, I still have one drain attached to Me. The day before My post-op appointment it decided to start bleeding directly from the incision point, which it is not supposed to do. They didn't do much about it at the appointment besides clean it up and put new bandages over it, but that was quickly rendered useless later that night. It bled on My sheets, My skirt, My underwear, even the compression garment I have to wear. We kept taping and bandaging but its position on My leg and the constant bleeding made our attempts useless.
At the same time, I was having a lot of trouble sleeping. I'm a side sleeper so sleeping on My back as I had been was very uncomfortable, and trying to gently set Myself on My side was also uncomfortable as I was swollen and those incisions were still fresh. This resulted in My waking up multiple times with a headache and losing patience. Between My lack of decent sleep and the constant anxiety from the drain bleeding, I started silently crying as My mom changed the bandage for the 5th time that day.
I have to really appreciate My family here, especially My mom who has been My nurse during this whole thing from the start. She finished bandaging Me and consoled Me as I cried. She had Me take some pain meds and get Me laying down and told Me to rest. Told Me it would be ok. I was able to get some decent sleep.
So now it's Valentine's day. I didn't have anything special planned, but I got to do some self-care which was lovely. Hopefully, I'll be able to get this damn drain out soon and then will come the period of just.... healing. Just waiting for My body to fix itself and adjust to the changes. Let's see how that goes.
Update 2: Mar 3, 2021 (3.5 weeks post op)
It's been almost a month since the surgery. Let's catch you up. Because I sure have had some experiences since the last update...
I did finally get the second drain out. When the nurse took it out and bandaged it, it started coming out a LOT. The bandage popped and fluid just started pooling on the chair. Of course, since I thought it would be normal and quick and easy I didn't fully take off My underwear and My compression garment. So when it suddenly started pooling both got dirty. The nurse and I were both shocked and while she quickly went out to grab more pads and anything absorbent, I did My best to lift My butt off the medical chair.
We managed to get it under control as she rebandaged Me with more absorbant pads, but My underwear got soaked so she gave it to Me in a plastic bag. Since the compression garment was soiled she gave Me a new one too, so that was nice. Needless to say the ride back home with no underwear on and worried about leaking in My mom's nice car was anxiety-inducing, to say the least.
Few days after that the little hole actually closed up pretty quick, with no more leaking from that point. Unfortunately, I wasn't finished with leaking issues yet.
The abdominoplasty incision is right along the crease of the torso, like where it would bend when you sit. Most of it had healed without problem but there was a section in the middle that got a little infected. Not only that but My body was not finished getting fluid out of Me, using that area to now start draining.
I was put on some antibiotics and just tried to keep the area clean. It was red and swollen and it hurt to even just sit. I was advised to keep the incisions on My breasts uncovered for a while so the tissue could dry a little and heal. For about a week I was just trying to keep My body straight and hoping it would hurry up and heal properly.
The infection got much better but unlucky Me, fluid kept draining. Not blood or pus, more like a watery plasma. The doc speculated that it might be a seroma, which is just a build-up of fluid that can occur near a surgical incision. Sounds about right.
The experiences with this thing have been.... interesting. This section might be a little gross, so fair warning. Time is hard to keep track of for Me so I don't know the exact days of all this but it happened in the time span of a little over a week.
Drainage so far had been normal, annoying, but not unusual. At one point I decided to sit at My office and work on stuff for a bit and a few hours later was transitioning to go back onto My bed. While I was standing at My bathroom counter, the fluid just started gushing. Fully saturated the bandage I had on and started pooling onto the floor. Thank god I was already in My bathroom and not standing on carpet or laying on My bed. I had to hop into My bathtub to take off My soaked underwear and compression and remove the bandage, all the while it just kept coming out. Trying to help it along, I would gently put pressure around My abdomen to encourage it all to come out and using My showerhead to wash it away. I tried to do these little draining showers every other day or so, to prevent another incident of sudden gushing and pooling. I would use a massage roller to help put more even pressure on My abdomen and get more liquid out, it felt like I was wringing Myself out. At one point the fluid came out like a fountain, literally making an arch as it came out. Another time some stuff came out. Like little balls of fat or tissue or something I don't know. None of this hurt, it was just super fucking weird. Gross, I know. But at least it was all coming out, and it did seem to be slowing down. Less and less was coming out each time.
I ran some errands with a friend the other day and a minute after we got back home, surprise surprise I felt some odd warmth from the problem area and it started gushing again. Just like the pooling incident, but at least this time I was able to run straight into My bathroom and get into the tub so it wouldn't get everywhere.
Side note, you know your best friend is your best friend when she's chilling with you watching tiktoks while you're half-naked and trying to drain fluid out of your body in the bathtub.
You might be able to tell, but this shit is exhausting. I keep thinking it's almost over and then something comes up again. I want to stop being paranoid about suddenly leaking all over the floor, all over the bed, all over My clothes. I'm tired of having to change My underwear 3 times a day because fluid got on it.
My breasts on the other hand have been doing just fine. They get a bit sore and uncomfortable sometimes, but there isn't any bleeding or draining to worry about. I've been watching them slowly relax a bit more and get more of a natural shape.
I should mention a really happy moment I had during this time. I don't remember when, but at some point, out of curiosity, I got on My scale to see what it said. I knew since I was still very swollen and obviously had a lot of fluid in Me it wouldn't be very accurate but I wanted to see. The scale said 198lbs. That is exactly 100lbs less than I was at My heaviest. I did it. I got to 100lbs total. The magic number. I spent so long thinking I couldn't, and yet I had done it. I did it My way. I didn't go on some diet, I didn't go to the gym, I didn't do it for anyone but Myself. And even if I didn't hit 100 before I had surgery, who fucking cares. I got so far doing things My way and adjusting things in ways I knew I could actually keep up.
After I had this realization I told My parents, My therapist, My friends. Then I started crying. Happy tears, proud tears. I got in the shower and just kept crying. I still felt gross and weird from all the stuff the healing process was putting Me through but it was temporary. I could reach My goals and dreams by doing things My way without other people's judgment, and succeed. I was so proud of Myself, and I still am. I figure; no matter how long it takes, no matter how I end up looking, no matter if My weight fluctuates in the future, no one can take away this accomplishment from Me. No one knows what's right for Me and My body, and I had proved that.
Some people have asked Me how long it takes to heal, and honestly? Months. Months for the scars to repair themselves and relax and fade. Months for the swelling to go down. Months for the skin and fat to adjust to the new position they're in. How many months? No idea, just have to wait really.
I don't mind the more passive side of healing, where scars are just slowly fading and the skin is repairing itself. I think that'll be more tolerable. I just want to be out of this active phase where I have to keep draining and bandaging and being conscious of an open wound that just refuses to stop. I know I have to be patient though. It'll come, and I do think it'll be worth it. I can't wait to be able to try on all My cute clothes again and fix My skirts and properly see Me.
Update 3: Mar 29, 2021 (7 weeks post op)
Finally, it seems I've come to a more passive period of recovery. Around a week after the last update, I had a checkup with the doctor. The draining slowed down again and I still had a little opening in the incision line. He decided to cut open that hole a little and had
us stuff it with a medicated gauze. This was to help it continue draining any remaining ick, and to also allow it to heal inside out. I have no idea how stuffing a hole helps it close, but it has indeed been healing. At the moment it has healed quite a bit, not fully closed up but enough where we can't stuff it anymore so just a bandage over it will do as it continues.
I also started doing lymphatic massage treatments to help any remaining fluids to either absorb or escape, and to help reduce the swelling. These massages have a very gentle touch especially while the scars are closing. After the 6 week post op mark, the tissue has healed enough that it's safe to work directly on the scars to massage the tissue.
So what now? Now that draining and the more annoying bits of post op are (for the most part) over, what is next? Well, now I can go a bit more in-depth about the scarring, and see how they improve with each update.
Chest Scars
The chest scars have been interesting to see heal. The scar shape they make when doing the reduction is called an anchor shape, as it goes around the nipple, down to the crease and then around the base of the breast. The main areas I've noticed have.... interesting healing are the points that have perpendicular scars. The base of the nipple and the base of the breast (pic 4).
When they were still in the process of healing, the medical tape they put over them seemed to keep ripping off the scabs when removed, especially in those perpendicular scars. I think this caused it to scar over a little weird, and in one of the areas of the nipple (pic 5) there is a little divot where the tissue continues to try to fill and heal. I've been watching it fill in more as it heals, but I worry it will still have a bit of that. I believe that once more time has passed, the doctor will take a look at any scar problem areas and fix them, either by cutting them out or with various treatments so I won't worry for now.
You can see in pic 1 and 2 that the inner scars are still visible but when sitting naturally they are not instantly noticeable. I am sure as the texture improves and the color fades it will be less and less noticeable. At the very end of the scars, near the back (pic 3), the skin behaves kinda weird. Because a lot of skin is removed, the ends of the outer areas for both chest and abdomen are a little more textured. It causes the area to curve out in a strange way but that has been improving as the body relaxes and heals. Later on in recovery, the doctor will discuss scar revision options if they are needed.
Abdomen
While the abdomen incision has been problematic in terms of swelling and draining and general annoyance, the scar itself is really well healed. The exception to that compliment is the problem area that I will show in later updates when the hole is closed, and the ends of the scar (pic 1). They don't cause as many weird curves since the area is tighter than the ends of the chest scars, but of course, that much skin removal makes the ends tricky.
In pic 1 you can also see that little spot on the bottom, that is where the drains from the beginning were inserted. One on each side. Moving from the ends into the center area (pic 2) you see how much better the scars closed than the chest scars. The length of this scar sits right in the crease between the abdomen and the pubic area. Now the belly button scar (pic 3) is the hardest to see. Partially because the scar falls into the belly button, and partially because the scar tissue underneath is still quite tight.
You might notice in the abdomen pics that it's still quite puffy. The swelling has gone down a lot since the beginning but some swelling still remains. In addition to that, because of the trauma that the area went through from surgery, the scar tissue underneath the skin is working overtime. Dealing with that is what we move on to.
Treating The Scars
I've been calling this the "passive" part of recovery but that doesn't mean I just ignore it and wait to see what happens, there are important things to do while the scars are healing to help them get the best outcome in the long term.
When deep scars heal, sometimes the tissue doesn't know when to stop repairing. Sometimes that results in hypertrophic scars or keloids. Usually, the issue is under the skin. My scars felt very tight, they couldn't move much, they weren't flexible. When touching them you could feel the tight hard tissue underneath, and even some of the texture from the surface.
I heal pretty well, and pretty fast. I do have some hyperpigmentation from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) but for the most part, I've noticed that My scars fade and flatten really well over time. As these larger and deeper scars have been healing, I put some Aquaphor (not sponsored, I wish) all over the scars. It is a vaseline-like product that I find absorbs better and also helps give scars a good environment to heal. Keeping the area moisturized and flexible.
Since there are a lot of products and oils and vitamins and whatnot that people say helps scars, I decided to make My own little concoction. I mixed a bunch of Aquaphor with vitamin E oil, vitamin C oil, rosehip oil, lavender oil, stuff like that. Things that I knew were recommended and that I had used before so I knew they wouldn't irritate My skin. I even put My little mix onto My altar to bless it and ask Aphrodite to help Me heal properly. That's stuff for another post though. My mix turned out quite nice, had a nice scent despite all the different oils, and made it easier to massage My scars.
Putting whatever lotion or oil or ointment really only helps the surface though. To reduce that tightness, that puffy hard tissue under the scars, you have to massage them. Gently pressing and massaging the scars and the areas around them helps break some of those excess cells in the tissue as it heals and retrains the skin to be flexible again.
Obviously, I am not a doctor or an expert so I don't fully know or understand the medical mumbo jumbo about how and why and the tissue and cells etc. I can only tell you what I experience. I have been massaging since the beginning (gently of course), mostly to relieve some of the soreness and swelling. There has been a lot of improvement in the scars with massaging, and hopefully, it helps that big tight area around My abdomen loosen up and relax.
For now, I continue to wait and let My body heal while assisting where I can. I'm excited to see how they improve in time, and it'll be interesting to compare the pictures throughout the process.
Update 4: May 14, 2021 (almost 4 months post op)
Time hardly seems real to Me, so it feels weird to think about how long ago the surgery
feels, but in the scope of healing it hasn't been very long overall. Still, there are some changes that are worth mentioning. The scar tissue in general has gotten softer and doesn't feel as tightly attached to the muscle underneath. Sometimes when I am feeling around the length of the scars, it feels strange. Like a mix of it still feeling a bit numb and like My brain doesn't quite recognize what's going on in the area. It's difficult to describe.
I stopped wearing any sort of compression garment around early April. I'm not sure if that was premature of Me to do, but there isn't much soreness or pain and it's been feeling alright since then. Honestly the strangest thing that still occurs is when I've been in a sitting position for too long, it's like the tissue in My abdomen gets stuck all scrunched up until it relaxes again. I'll stand up and be able to feel the tightness as it readjusts to being straight again, and there is a visual difference. I'm not sure if that still counts as swelling or if it's just the scar tissue needing to adjust more.
During this time I've had some personal and mental struggles with self care, so I haven't been as consistent with caring for the scars and My body as I should be. I do massage them when I can though.
Chest Scars
My breasts overall have been taking a nice shape. Less lumpy and awkward and much more relaxed and soft (2). In some areas I can feel the scar is much more flexible and the skin can even be pinched/gently lifted without any tightness. On some other areas though I can still feel some tough scar tissue when I roll it between My fingers.
The little divot (visible in pic 4) I mentioned previously has softened and filled in a bit, but isn't completely flush with the rest of the skin just yet. While the areas where the scar lines meet are softer, they still feel textured, and look shiny and discolored (3). I think that will continue to improve over time.
The very ends of the scars (5) have flattened a bit, but I don't quite like how the skin is rippled around that point. The inside ends have surprisingly different textures. One side is a little bumpy but mostly flush, but the other is a much more noticeable indentation (1).
Abdomen
The abdominal scar, being just a straight line, doesn't have many issues. The main area of note is the central bit where I had issues with the incision closing. After it closed up it was still very tight and it made a harsh divot in the scar (2). It has managed to loosen up with massaging but still isnt completely flush (3). The coloration in the center area is also much darker than the areas towards the end. Having PCOS I can sometimes get hyperpigmentation, so we'll have to see how much that discoloration decides to fade.
At the very end, the texture is a lot better, though sometimes it still puckers and ripples like the end chest scars (4). While it is flatter, it's not totally where I would like it to be. We'll have to see what can be done about it later on.
Scar Treatment
As I mentioned before, I haven't been as diligent as I probably should be when it comes to applying this and that oil or lotion onto the scars. That has kept them a bit too dry and I'm trying to be better about it. I massage them whenever I remember to do so, trying to coax everything back into place.
I've done some derma-needling before on My face and I know it can improve scars, so I'll occasionally give the area a roll with My disinfected derma-roller. The scar tissue seems sensitive so it does bleed a bit, but not much. I don't do this very often because I still want to let the skin heal itself after doing it. Really anything I do to the scars I'm careful to not overdo it.
I'll be honest, having gone through such a long weight/health journey, I get scared about slipping up. My anxiety makes Me think I might mess up and end up snowballing right back to where I was, undoing all My progress. Especially after having done an intense procedure to remove so much skin, the thought of somehow fucking it up is very scary. I have to keep reminding Myself that progress is not linear, and even if I slip up a day or two it does not invalidate all the progress I have made. Even if I gain some or lose some, all that matters in the end is how I'm feeling.
One year update! (Feb 5, 2022)
Holy shit it's been a year. One whole year since getting this surgery. It hardly feels real. I look at pictures of Myself from before the surgery and I don't recognize Myself. A year with My breasts so much smaller than they were makes their previous state feel almost like a caricature. They just seemed to engulf Me completely, out of proportion and heavy.
Even just confidence wise, both with My breasts and My stomach I've been able to feel more comfortable just... existing. Without worrying about how I look, about where My stomach is and how others might percieve My silouhette. Being able to feel comfortable wearing things, and knowing they are more likely to fit. Being able to shop for things and just wear them because they fit without looking strange. It's been liberating, though not without it's cons as well. I'll touch on those later.
Chest Scars
My chest scars have been..... complicated. The surgery scars themselves are all healed and overall are really good. But I have a tendancy of fucking with My skin, especially around the scars. So there are some areas of My scars that probably would have turned out better if I hadn't been messing with them so much.
When looking at the photos of the scars you should also keep in mind that I am latina and I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). This means I am prone to hyperpigmentation, so My scars can become dark, although over longer periods of time it might fade.
A lot of the texture issues, both divots (see pic 3) and bumps, have softened up more and in some cases are now smooth. Sometimes the very ends of the scars still pucker out but for the most part they blend in (see pic 5).
I'm going to talk about something that might be a bit graphic. So here's your warning.
There were some bits along My nipple scar that felt bumpy and hard. Like I could feel something under the skin and it wasn't going away. I would gently squeeze it as if it were a pimple but nothing happened. One day it got to be too much. I squeezed the tough area of the scar as hard as I could. Like I was working it up to the surface for it to finally come out. It did hurt but.... it worked. It did pop, and stuff came out. I couldn't tell you what it was, maybe some scar tissue or something, but I got it out. While I got that bumpy texture finally out, it did cause damage to the surface of the nipple. It did heal up and scar, this time flat without those intense bumps. I was willing to trade a visible scar for that hard scarred texture to be gone, but of course I cannot reccomend doing that.
Abdomen Scars
I'll be honest, I haven't paid as much attention to the abominal scars. It hasn't has any weird bumps or textures that I've noticed, though all along the area above the scar still feels numb. I notice that if I've been sitting for a long while and then I stand up, the scar has a hard time stretching back out right away. It doesn't hurt or feel uncomfortable, but it still feels a bit stiff and numb.
The scars themselves seem about the same. Less red, but still brown from hyperpigmentation. Softer along the scar itself and the ends are relaxing. They don't pucker out as much as they did before.
Struggles (TW: some eating struggles/EDs)
Part of My biggest struggle during all of this past year has been trying not to get so anxious about weight that I mess up My relationship with food again. See, part of what helped Me lose enough weight to get the procedure done in the first place was letting go of guilt associated with weight and eating. Not caring about the number on the scale, not stressing about it and just focusing on what My body was telling Me directly. Telling Myself that it didn't matter if I gained or lost weight and just being happy with where I was as long as I felt good.
This surgery kind of reset that for Me. It became difficult to let go of the guilt because now that My body had physically been changed, I didn't want to get to the point where My skin could stretch out again and ruin the results of the surgery. I felt the pressure and anxiety along with the guilt. The number on the scale started affecting Me again. I went between trying to starve and binging. Feeling like I was losing My ability to just listen to My body again.
I can't say I've solved that problem yet. I haven't. I'm still working on it, and trying to not beat Myself up if I gain some weight because it fluxuates a lot. Right now I'm trying to just reset Myself. Going back to the beginning and listening to My body. Eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full.
Progress and healing is not linear. No matter the weight fluxuations or the new struggles that come up, I've come a long way. I've made changes for Myself and I was able to do it My way. Looking at pictures before and after helps remind Me of that. I am beautiful in both, and I continue to be beautiful in My journey. All I'm doing is coming more into My own.
I didn’t think it possible for Goddess to become EVEN MORE beautiful ... but she IS!!! <3