Some people really want to keep this fantasy of Dommes being 100% perfect and glamorous all the time. Where any sort of flaw or struggle breaks their illusion. Some like having this flawless sort of persona, some like being humanized. Both are fine, but I prefer dashing some of the fantasy and making it real. That includes being a perfect Goddess, but reminding that I still have struggles.
My imperfections are part of My perfection. They are simply the sum of the whole that makes up My divinity. They shape parts of My experience but do not singularly define it. I don't often see others open up about some of these things (that doesn't mean I'm the only one, mind you) so fuck it. Let's overshare about Me, shall we?
Here's what I talk about in order:
Trauma
Anxiety + Depression
ADHD
Sleep Apnea
PCOS
How all that affected Me at My lowest
This might seem like a bit of a list because I'm not quite sure how to talk about these different things and make it seem fully cohesive. Oh well
(Some bits might be intense, idk I got a bit emotional while writing)
I've talked a bit about My trauma with an emotionally abusive relationship before in a previous post, and both his treatment of Me as well as many experiences being sexualized growing up due to My ah... fuller figure do still affect Me to this day. It's easy to think ah well it was years ago surely it's just in the past, but the anxieties, the thought and fears that those experiences create can last a lifetime. Sometimes those feelings and thoughts pop back up in nasty ways when you were doing well. And that's ok, healing isn't linear. It doesn't devalue any of the growth I've made since those times.
Anxiety and depression are two conditions I feel like many people can relate with. They can be linked with some of the other struggles I have, but regardless of what caused what they are there. Truthfully I'm doing so much better as of writing this, although occasionally I'll get hit with a sudden depression for seemingly no reason.
Anxiety is a bit harder to manage, and at My worst point it manifested into a bit of agoraphobia. I couldn't even make it to My car without feeling like throwing up. I remember at one point sitting in My car outside the grocery store for what must have been almost an hour, desperately trying to calm My nausea enough to just buy My groceries because I was running out of food. It's funny (not really) how the mind can make the body sick like that. Thankfully I was able to get through that and while I still have to control some anxiety and recognize when it is making Me feel sick, I haven't gotten to that point again. The brain is a lovely and terrifying thing.
I am on meds to help with these and I think both a combination of that and a change in My circumstances helped a LOT.
I briefly mentioned ADHD somewhere, but this was a fairly new diagnosis for Me. It's a wonder I didn't get diagnosed at a younger age since there were so many signs looking back. I'm very particular about textures and sensations especially with clothing and food (which caused lots of frustrations as a child). Through the testing I did I also discovered My memory is trash, I literally have a math disability, and My IQ is actually pretty high. Ya Goddess is smart, just forgetful. It's interesting what you learn about yourself constantly. The math disability (Dyscalculia) I found interesting as it made sense, but I also was fairly decent in math growing up. Enough to get good grades at least.
I find the memory bit most interesting. I can remember some memories from as far back as 4 years old very vividly, but I can also instantly forget what I was doing as I'm doing it. Truthfully it's no wonder I accumulate trinkets and pictures of memories in a memory box. It's nice to remember these little things, when I seem to forget to much.
Partially this is why I'm fairly understanding when it comes to people messaging Me, and why I ask understanding in return. It's easy to get distracted and forget to reply and that doesn't mean either party is being ignored just that brains are weird. It really sucks when trying to make content though. I'll start with an idea or start planning something and then either I get distracted or I forget. If you've wondered why I haven't made so and so file of so and so thing that I like, that's probably why.
Still in the process of finding the right meds to help with it, but part of why I appreciate this work so much is that it allows Me the flexibility to not stress too much about it.
Sometimes when I'm just chilling or relaxing, I realize I'm not breathing and have to take a few deep breaths. Sometimes I'd wake up nauseous, with a headache and constantly tired. Soooo turns out I have pretty bad sleep apnea. Which means I sometimes stop breathing when sleeping so I don't get the oxygen I need. I remember after My surgery (that's up next I promise) in recovery they were monitoring My oxygen level and when it went down it would start beeping. But I was awake and lucid, so the nurse would just holler at Me to breathe. Which made no sense to Me because I was breathing.
Regardless, I had been in the process of getting a CPAP and got it after that. Honestly it was hard at first, remembering to do it each night, having this mask on My face all night blowing air in Me just so I can breathe properly. It felt very unsexy and weird and I hated it. Though truthfully I did start to feel better. Not waking up with pounding headaches was pretty nice. I slowly found My own ways of dealing with some of the aspects of it that made Me anxious, such as cleaning it, and I don't feel as opposed to it now.
Also the mask is kind of fun for "hypno gas" type stuff, so there's that too.
Now this is the one I wanted to talk about most out of all these things. Because it's really common in people with vaginas but not often talked about. PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a hormonal condition that has no cure, and the cause isn't known. Some of the symptoms include excess acne, excess hair, dark spots caused by insulin resistance, weight gain, infertility, and (as the name implies) ovarian cysts. These can appear differently for each person. (Just want to reiterate that I'm not a medical professional and I'm only going to be speaking from My personal experience)
Some of these symptoms don't affect Me much (like excess acne and hair growth) but some of the others are present. My skin can have spots of hyperpigmentation because of the insulin resistance, so areas like the back of My neck, armpits, inner thighs and such often appear much darker. As I improve My health in this aspect, some of it might lighten or fade, but it probably won't fully go away. I'm ok with that.
I know some people really struggle with the infertility part and it weighs on them. Personally that's one of the aspects I don't mind. I'm cool with having little to no periods and I didn't plan on having children naturally anyway.
Now cysts, I did have. Two, one on each ovary. Fairly big but hadn't gotten to the point of causing Me pain or exploding. When we were first learning about this condition, I was a bit in denial because of a mentality I'll talk about in a bit. When we checked My ovaries and sure enough there they were, it was confirmed that I had PCOS. Truthfully I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to do. These were in My body, growing since birth (I believe that's what they said) and somehow I hadn't known for so long. I now had to confront and deal with what it meant, dealing with the symptoms and trying to finally get My shit together.
We decided it was probably best to remove them and not wait for Me to be in pain or danger, and I was terrified. I had never been in surgery, never had any serious medical thing done to Me. Never had an IV just sitting there sticking into My arm (still hate thinking about it). Thankfully it all went fine and I've got 5 little scars on My lower tummy. Hopefully the cysts won't come back but there always is that chance.
This particular condition has been the hardest to manage for Me. There's a lot of mental work and reframing habits that I've had to work on to start getting better. Just to manage the insulin resistance I have to take 4 big ol metformin pills daily.
Through the period of that and sleep apnea, I had to confront My own mentality and fears about something. These things, these conditions. They are not temporary. It isn't a cold or stomach bug where you take the meds until you get better and that's it. I would likely have to deal with this all My life. Take pills all My life, wear that mask all My life. It felt really daunting. It felt inevitable.
At one point I thought "I can't do this, if these conditions are going to fuck Me up just do it already". I was terrible at taking pills, I couldn't seem to do it routinely. Every time I forgot I'd feel more guilt about it and hate Myself and hate My body because why couldn't it just be normal? Why did I have to deal with these issues with no cure that were out of My control?
These thoughts plus the mix of stressors and anxieties from other sources really fucked Me up during My lowest time. I didn't do anything, but that's just it. I didn't do anything. I didn't want to think about it, didn't want to deal with it.
I'm not sure exactly what caused it, but through a lot of trial and error to find ways to make the meds easier for Me I was actually able to create a little closed system of convenience that allowed Me to just... do it. It didn't do anything to hate Myself for why can't I just go downstairs to get the water to take the pills or why can't I just get out of bed and take the stupid pills what's wrong with Me.
Instead of fighting those things, I just made them easier for Myself. If it's so difficult for Me to go downstairs to get water, just get Myself a water filter I can use and refill in My room. If drinking in a small bottle doesn't help because I don't want to refill it so often, just get Myself a bigger bottle with a straw so I don't even notice how much I've consumed. Final piece? Take the pills while I'm refilling My water bottle since I was going to do that anyway. In the morning when I refill it again, take the morning pills.
I can't fully describe how happy and proud I was when that finally clicked and it worked. I was doing it, I didn't have to feel guilty for not taking the damn pills and bonus I was drinking more water. It gave Me hope for all those changes to manage these different symptoms. It didn't have to be painfully difficult, it didn't have to feel like I was fighting or changing Myself and losing who I was. I just have to work with Myself. Fuck it if other people view it as "lazy" that I can't just go downstairs to get My water (because executive dysfunction is a bitchhhh). Who cares if it wasn't a normal "simple" way of getting it done. It worked for Me and for once everything felt manageable. I could deal with these things, even if I had to do it all My life.
This got kinda long and bit rambly at times, but if you did read this whole thing thank you. I may be a Goddess but I'm also a person, and it does Me no good to pretend I don't have any of these things, and that I don't struggle with things out of My control. They are simply things I have to deal with but they will never lessen My ability to take your mind and make your entire universe revolve around Me, flaws and all. And remember that you don't know what dommes (and subs) struggle with. It's easy to forget we are flawed (but still flawless) individuals.
Thanks for reading and learning a bit more about Me