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On My past abuse

CW: Emotional Abuse

I've shared this story a few times before. While some of it still affects Me, I don't pity Myself for what happened. Nevertheless, it happened and I can't make it go away.

This wasn't the first instance of Me being taken advantage of by individuals I trusted. But this is was absolutely the longest. Almost 2 years.

My first boyfriend. Honestly there were red flags from the beginning that I made excuses for and chose to ignore. He didn't want to be seen with Me. He was ashamed to be with Me. He thought his friends would make fun of him for being with Me, even though I was friends with them too.

Even when we were officially dating he continued. Told Me to lose weight, not eat as much, straighten My hair, wear contacts, wear different clothes, basically change Myself completely. He always pestered Me about My weight, trying to monitor it, taking My food, giving Me looks if I had something I wanted.

It was clear he didn't really like Me for Me. Honestly I'm not fully sure why he stayed with Me, when held such distain for Me and anything I enjoyed. I think he wanted someone to have control over, he wanted to feel affection from someone. Really, sometimes I would ask why he liked Me (as you do) and his response would be "I love the way you love me and give me affection"

He isolated Me from My friends for around a year, made Me hang out with his friends instead, one of which had molested Me a year prior. And he knew that. When I told him, he just laughed. Another one of his friends called Me fat when chatting with him and he didn't say anything in My defense. One time he saw Me hanging out with My friends and he called Me a two faced bitch because I acted differently with them. More like Myself.

I would vent to him and he would get upset, annoyed, even angry with Me. Angry about My headaches, angry about My school troubles. He didn't care, he didn't want to hear about it. He constantly manipulated Me by threatening to get sad or angry. He threatened to kill himself. He told Me to kill Myself, twice.

He would expect Me to respond to him within seconds at any given moment, but drop Me in the middle of a conversation for hours. He always expected affection of Me, but hardly gave any back and when he did it was manipulative.

Since we were both in high school, I would do cute things to his locker. Putting sticky notes in to encourage him during the day or tell him I loved him. I would occasionally get him a treat that reminded Me of him. He never reciprocated. He wouldn't even go up to My hallway. He got mad at Me when I stopped doing those things.

After he graduated he moved back to Europe and we continued long distance. I happened to go on a trip with My friend to Europe and even then he continued. He kept trying to plan to get Me away from My friend and her family to see him. Kept talking about missing Me and My affection.

On this trip I would be celebrating My birthday. The night before My birthday one of his friends started messaging Me on facebook just to insult Me. Calling Me a pig, saying I was fat and ugly and didn't deserve to be in a relationship. Thankfully, My friend cheered Me up a bit and we both trolled his friend. Still, he did nothing to stop his friend. The next day on My birthday he sent a bunch of empty apologies, saying he had "no idea" I was upset.

He coerced Me into sex. I was 16, he was 17. He was ashamed to turn 18 as a virgin, so he gave Me a deadline. Sex before his birthday or he would break up with Me. It happened before the deadline, but he was only concerned about his pleasure. Even when I lay there, not reacting, hiding the tears building in My eyes he didn't care to stop. I bled afterwards and he said it was normal. I believed him. I learned afterwards that it wasn't. You could argue since we were both virgins he just didn't know what he was doing. But he never would have cared about My pleasure enough to do it correctly.

He never prioritized Me. Even on our very first date, which was a trip to the movies, he came all grumpy saying that he shouldn't have come. That he should have stayed home to study instead of coming. What a wonderful way to start a first date. Part of Me knows not to blame Myself for putting up with it as it wasn't My fault. He was the first guy who I had a date with, first boyfriend. Part of Me was afraid to let go, as if that reflected something about Me.

He liked to threaten Me with anger, as I mentioned before, and start saying things to get Me to the point of crying. When satisfied with My distress he'd change back to apologizing and saying he loved Me and swearing it would never happen again (it always did). Towards the end of the relationship I was jaded by this behavior, it was predictable. In one of his fits I asked him why he was trying to make Me cry. He said if I just submitted he wouldn't be that way. He wanted power over Me. He wanted to have someone to abuse for no reason.

He would bad mouth My family, My friends, Me, My hobbies, My pain. I knew he was bad, but honestly I didn't know what to do. None of My friends liked him, My family only tolerated him because I kept defending him. But the bad moments far outweighed the good moments with him. Every time I was with him I felt fake, repressed. I wasn't Myself. I couldn't act how I wanted to act. I didn't want to make him mad. I always felt on guard, anxious.

That isn't how it should be. Even now, I don't want to ever feel that way in a relationship again.

Long distance, our relationship was open (My idea) and I was still fairly affectionate. He was still very manipulative. In the end, it was him who broke up with Me. Why? Because he wanted to mess with other people. For a moment I was sad, but then I was relieved. I was tired of feeling this way. Every message I got, every reminder of him just made Me feel... bad. So I let him break up with Me, finally free.

Not even two weeks later, when clearly no other girl wanted anything to do with him, he came back pathetically. How he made a mistake and regrets breaking up with Me, how he misses Me and My affection, how he wishes we could just kiss and hug forever and make up.

I said no. I had finally gotten My freedom back and I was not going to let him take it away from Me again. Occasionally he would try texting Me saying that some girl hugged him or whatever, trying to make Me jealous, trying to find any affection left for him that he could exploit. He got none.

Weeks later I finally decided to block him completely. I hadn't done so before, frankly because I'm way too nice sometimes. I've kept dozens of texts from him. Screenshots showing just how awful he was to Me. Proof that it wasn't just Me, wasn't all in My head. His words were there, telling Me those awful things. Stating outright that he liked making Me cry to feel more powerful, to try to make Me submissive.

I've since shown those screenshots to My therapist, My parents, My friends, and even to some of My subs. Just to express this part of My history. To validate that what he put Me through was horrible and wrong, since sometimes the mind likes to turn it against us. The screenshots are deleted and I've done My best to erase all the pictures I had of him, though iCloud and social media will pop his image back into My feed. I don't think I can truly erase him, what happened will always be a part of My part, and still affects Me to a degree.

Thinking about it still makes many emotions run through Me. Anger, pity, emptiness, disgust. His actions are not My fault. They do not define Me. It's an unfortunate lesson I shouldn't have had to learn, but hell I learned it. I don't know if that feeling will truly subside, and I'm sure there will be others like him. There have been plenty others who just tried to use Me in various ways, usually sexually.

One of the things I'm thankful for growing into being a Domme is that I know My worth better. I know how I should be treated, how I expect to be treated. I think back to when he outright said he hurt Me to make Me submissive, to make him feel powerful. And I both laugh and get mad.

I'm not telling this story for pity, I've mostly made My piece with it, and I'm not the same person I was before. But I wanted to share to show, and even sympathize with others who have gone through this, or worse. And that it doesn't invalidate or define who you are. Dommes can go through abuse, subs can go through abuse, anyone can go through abuse whether from a friend, family, relationship, D/s relationship or anything else.

It doesn't take away from your own power and your own control. Sometimes I have to remind Myself of that and that's ok. You deserve to feel comfortable. You deserve to feel happy. You deserve to feel loved.

I deserve these things. I will not let anyone take that from Me. I will continue to grow in confidence and power, without intentionally hurting or abusing people, as he tried to do to Me. I want those who serve Me to feel secure and confident in their submission to Me, not the broken emptiness he tried to put Me through.

There's likely other parts of this story I could add, I could add screenshots and detail every shitty thing he did. But I won't. I don't want to relive it and I don't want to put you through reading it all. This post is long enough.

If you've read through this whole thing, know that I'm much much better now. Go on, get some water and maybe watch some cat videos. Can't dwell on every shitty thing that happens, just have to learn and move on. Even if it makes Me upset sometimes, that's ok. I thankfully have loving people around Me who understand and support Me. No one blamed Me for what happened, and I won't either. I'll just be My beautiful self, doing only what I enjoy and loving Myself more and more each day.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you have a lovely day <3

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Jan 13, 2020

So impressed how You've risen above this and become who You are. You should be very proud of Yourself.

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